Conversation Peace
In the last week or so, a whole crew of new readers has discovered my humble corner of the Internets. Welcome! If you like what you’ve read here recently, I hope you’ll poke around in the archives.
Since this has led to some fairly spirited and extended discussion, I thought I’d point you to one set of posts in particular. I think it might give you something to think about for future discussions.
A few months ago, I wrote a series of posts about conversation in a medium like this that is so marked by division and incivility. (I’m not saying that this kind of conversation has happened here, but if you’ve poked around a bit in blogdom, you know what I mean.) I proposed a model of transformational conversation I hoped might point us toward reconciliation instead.
I’ve recently read in a few places people asking questions like the ones I asked. Why can’t we see eye to eye? How do we look for common ground when talking about issues that are politically or emotionally charged? If these questions interest you, I hope you’ll give these posts a glance.
1 Ripple from “Conversation Peace”
LotharBot says:
November 16, 2005 at 3:11 pm
Hi there. Found your place via dufflehead, though it’s unlikely you’ll see me agree with him often.
Regarding your second post “Or Maybe Not”: yes, authentic community IS possible online. I’m not sure if it’s possible in the specific format of blogs, but I’m part of an authentic community on an online discussion forum (the DescentBB - originally devoted to the video game Descent, but now it’s pretty much just friends hanging out.) I’m pretty confident in calling it a real community—I married someone I met there, and I know of at least 2 other couples with similar stories. I’ve also met perhaps 200 members of the community in person, mostly at LAN parties.
That community didn’t spring up overnight or accidentally. The site has been around for about 7 years, and throughout that time, it’s had administrators and moderators working to create an environment where people can freely share ideas. This required confronting (privately or publicly) those who got too personal and attacked others, while affirming (usually publicly) those willing to be vulnerable. There’s a lot of openness within that community now.
Being a community of gamers—many who are among the best in the world at that particular game—led to a strong ethic of “backing up your words”, not in the sense of being willing to fight over them, but in the sense of being willing and able to provide evidence and solid arguments, and being willing to concede points or even change your mind when the evidence led there. People who don’t back their statements up with evidence, or who persist in certain opinions despite the evidence, are generally ridiculed or ignored. This has led to what is perhaps a lesser version of your “truthfulness” criterion.
Where that community is weak is in the “humility” department. It’s improved over the past few years, mostly because of one poster (not me) who is very humble AND very effective in debate (and is very intentional about it.) As people have observed those debates, they’ve started to mimic her style somewhat.
All that is to say, I think you nailed it on those three criteria. But there’s one more thing that needs brought to the forefront: LOVE. I don’t mean that in the “fluffy bunnies, candy canes, and emotional giddiness” sense of the word; rather, I mean it in the sense of intentional sacrifice for the benefit of others. Some examples might be: taking the time to explain something for the 20th time, staying in a conversation even though you feel you’ve been mistreated and would rather leave, sharing something very personal in order to comfort someone else, being willing to spend your weekend researching and thinking about a specific topic that someone else finds important, being willing to forgive offenses, etc. In this sense, love is an act of will—you must sometimes will yourself to sacrifice for someone else (and most often, online, the sacrifice will be either time or ego.)
That, IMO, is the last remaining key to building a community where serious issues can be discussed and people can be reconciled to one another.