From the Salmon

I read in the San Francisco Chronicle yesterday about a large church in San Jose that aims to fill the Shark Tank with 18,000 parishioners for Easter. The article reports that “MC Hammer and Grammy-winning entertainer James Ingram will perform at Sunday’s San Jose service, and NFL Hall-of-Famer Jim Brown is also expected to attend.”

Wait. Are you telling me Hammer never won a Grammy? At the very least, they should give one of them Lifetime Achievement awards to his pants.

And why, exactly, is he featured entertainment at an Easter — sorry, I meant “Resurrection Sunday” (see the article) — service? Maybe he has an inspirational testimony about how the Spirit allows him to move in mysterious ways. Or perhaps he will deliver a rousing sermon entitled “Jesus: 2 Legit 2 Stay Dead.”

Man, I wish my church got Hammer. After the Resurrection Sunday hoopla is over, I think we’re gonna have to call a congregational meeting to see about a new booking agent.